Forever Chasing Supernovas

Some competition entries take seconds; others take hours - but if you're getting into the zen of the endeavour, that's no bad thing. Well, it might be a bad thing if you're in the middle of your manager's PowerPoint presentation, but you get the point.

By way of example, Fortnum & Mason have recently been running a short story competition, with a shedload of gourmet chocolate being awarded to the winner. By any measure, that's a nice prize. It's also a nice challenge.

The brief? Write a 500-word story for their chocolate library. Said story must be inspired by one of three starting points vaguely related to a specific F&M chocolate bar.

I've gone for the Forever Chasing Supernovas (milk chocolate and passionfruit) bar - based on the brief that "for the last 1707 years, four passionate astronauts have hurtled through space, on the hunt for a peculiar portal to a spell-binding dimension".

Science fiction is not my forte, however, so I'm really hoping the stories are being judged by a Beatles fan. Not that the Beatles are my forte either... Anyway, here's my effort - let me know how many songs can you identify therein!

Forever Chasing Supernovas

Happy birthday, Captain! You’re 1,740 today, but you don’t look a day over 64!

“I’d not look a day over 33 if you’d only leave me in stasis.”

Lieutenant Harrison’s baked a cake!

“I sincerely doubt that.”

OK. I baked the cake. But Lieutenant Harrison gave me the recipe.

“You woke up Lieutenant Harrison just to bake a cake?!”

Well, technically, she was already awake…

“You’re saying she disabled the hibernation protocol from the bridge while cryogenically frozen inside a locked stasis pod?”

Yes. I mean no. Um. It was an accident.

“You brought her out of stasis by accident?”

Yes. An accident. I was lonely so I accidentally pressed the off button.

“Ringo, you’re a robot.”

Android.

“Whatever. You’re programmed aren’t you?”

Correct.

“And what is your prime directive?”

To safeguard the crew as we traverse the Kanaloa nebula and pass through the Māla wormhole.

 “So, why are we having this conversation?”

Because it’s your birthday!

“This isn’t about me is it? Last week you thawed me out for World Stationery Day.”

But you love pens!

“I’ve not seen a pen in 1,700 years!”

But everyone loves pens!

“Who’s ‘everyone’, Ringo?! Everyone we ever knew died centuries ago! Heck, for all we know, civilisation itself died centuries ago. It’s not like Earth’s been in contact for, I dunno, the last thousand years or so!”

You know what you need? A proper blowout. You know, sit back … let the evening go. Live for the moment. Enjoy the show.

“What I need is to be put back into cryostasis.”

I’m sorry Jean-Paul, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

“What do you mean you can’t do that?! Your prime directive…”

…is to look after you, yes, and that includes not letting you sleep through dangerous astronomical phenomena, such as Phi Mu 217-9300 going supernova.

“I’m sorry, what?”

In approximately 90 seconds, Phi Mu 217-9300 will go supernova.

“What?! Where’s Georgia?! Where’s Mack?!”

Lieutenant Harrison is on the bridge, transmitting data back to Earth. Mr McKenzie is … not at his post. I think he’s unwell.

“Why didn’t you wake me earlier?! We’ve got less than five minutes before we’re toast – I should be on deck with my crew!”

So, I’m not crew any more? How’s that supposed to make me feel? I thought we were friends…

“You know full well what I mean! I can’t leave Georgia up there all alone!”

I brought chocolate.

“You did what?”

Milk chocolate. Filled with passion fruit. I thought you might like it. Just a little token of appreciation, you know, from me, to you.

“I haven’t tasted chocolate for 900 years. I thought we’d run out?”

I was saving it for a special occasion.

“Like my 1,740th birthday?”

Or the end of a long cold lonely winter, perhaps.

“1,707 years is a long winter.”

Yes, but the sun’s here now.

“Yep, here it comes.”

And how’s the chocolate?

“It’s all right, Ringo – everything is. It’s all right.”

#MeatMatters

I love red meat. I really love it. In an ideal world, I'd eat plates full of it every day. I don’t, of course, for reasons too numerous to list. That said, three key ones do spring to mind:

• Balanced diet: Beef and lamb may be naturally rich in protein, but they can’t compete with oily fish when it comes to omega-3 fatty acids. So yeah, I also eat fish.
• Environmental impact: While the extent to which livestock farming contributes to human produced greenhouse gas emissions may be disputed, my gut feels that it’s probably best to serve smaller portions of meat, augmented with pulses - something that also makes financial sense.
• Meat sweats: Had them once. Didn’t like them.

Nevertheless, even if I take the above into consideration, my initial point stands: I love red meat. It perks me up - literally.

Lamb, for example, is a natural source of niacin, pantothenic acid and Vitamins B6 and B12, all of which help reduce tiredness and fatigue, and goodness knows I have fatigue aplenty.

With this in mind, I was well chuffed when BritMums offered to buy me dinner on the proviso that I shared the recipe with y’all.

So here we go… Lamb chops a l’orange

Ingredients
6 lamb chops
200 g chantenay (or baby) carrots
1 bulb of garlic
3 oranges
15g fresh thyme

Method
1) Score the meat fat and season the chops with salt and pepper. Balance the chops on their fatty edges (imagine a rack of toast, but meaty) in a shallow pan on a medium-high heat and leave to go crispy (probably about 5 mins).

2) Top, tail & peel carrots and bung them in the pan, along with the unpeeled garlic cloves. Keep moving the veg around so it cooks evenly

3) Turn the chops on their sides and fry till golden (on both sides, obvs).

4) Bung in the zest from one orange, along with thyme, and stir for half a minute or so.

5) Remove the chops and set them to rest. Squeeze the juice from all three oranges into the pan and reduce until sticky. Bung the lamb & its resting juices back in the pan for a couple of minutes, and rattle it all around the pan.

6) Serve with roast potatoes. Oh, I forgot to mention them, didn’t I? Oops! You might want to start over then. Except with the spuds this time. Sorry!

So … what did it taste like?

In a word, nice - although if you use a vegetable peeler for zesting, do be aware that you're going to end up with big strips of orange peel that look like extremely finely sliced carrot. With this in mind, do advise your fellow diners not to eat these bits as fried orange peel isn't for everyone. Yes, that is the voice of experience...

My dinner... Apologies for the terrible photography. And presentation. My wife doesn’t plate up too well, and I'm rubbish at snapping food!

This post is an entry for the #MeatMatters Challenge, sponsored by Simply Beef and Lamb. Learn more about the benefits of eating beef and lamb along with recipes and inspiration here: https://www.simplybeefandlamb.co.uk.

The #MyAquaphor Challenge

Winter is coming, and the prospect isn’t pleasing. It’s the time of year when the fuel bills rocket while the house sags under the weight of laundry drying indoors. The children are marching school germs and slimy footprints everywhere and the bathroom is arctic when you go for a midnight wee. And as if that wasn’t enough, my hands are cracking apart. But not just my hands - my kids’ hands too. All that beautiful baby-soft skin, unworn by a lifetime of gardening, sunburn and air-conditioning, is on the fast train to calamity.

Everything today's schoolkid needs

They don’t help themselves, of course. It’s bad enough that they don’t dry properly after hand-washing, but then they leave their gloves on the table when they go out to play in the cold and damp. At least mine aren’t warming their hands on the radiators, but it’s only a matter of time.

Such dermatological abuse means one thing: a house full of dry, cracked and irritated skin.

Moisturiser alone is not enough: if the skin can’t retain the moisture, it’s still going to dry out. I’m embarrassed to say that it took me a long time to work this out, but at least I now know that once the clocks go back, it’s time to dig out the water-free balm.

As you can imagine then, when Netmums asked if I’d like to try Eucerin’s Aquaphor soothing skin balm, I bit their (soft, smooth) hand clean off.

For the uninitiated, Aquaphor’s water-free formula was introduced more than 90 years ago, making it a tried and tested classic. It has only seven ingredients, thus minimising the likelihood of allergy. Of those ingredients, perhaps the most important is glycerin, which is proven to improve skin regeneration and improve the skin’s natural barrier function. Once applied, the semi-permeable barrier that it provides can regulate the natural rate of water vapor loss and help the skin to retain the moisture it needs.

Well, that’s the science. In layman’s terms, it’s a waxy affair that the skin needs a few minutes to absorb, so if you need to finger your fancy curtains, be sure to do so BEFOREHAND!

I applied some about an hour ago, and while I’m now completely touch dry, I can still really feel the layer of protection on the tips of my fingers. I can imagine Nordic fishermen smearing this round their chops before a long December day in the North Sea - it really is that good.

The other great thing about Aquaphor is that it is totally versatile. If I’m going away for a weekend, I can leave my lip balm at home, meaning I’ve one less thing to forget. It’s also useful for skin prone to rubbing and blisters or other skin damage due to frequent exercise, as well as chafing and sensitive baby skin - and way more besides.

But why take my word for it? After all, I’m no skincare expert and I’ve been given a free tube - perhaps I’m biased. I asked my son to provide an independent review, and here’s what he had to say.

Could you ask for a better recommendation than that?!

This post is an entry for the BritMums #MyAquaphor Challenge, sponsored by Eucerin.
Discover the benefits of Eucerin

The #ACEforSchool Challenge

The bottom of the laundry basket is, for most parents, the promised land. We know that - technically - it has to exist. That’s just elementary physics. Its glory, however, is not for us to behold.

Personally, I’m fine with this: given the volcanic urgency with which my basket spews soiled clothing, the precambrian linen at its lowermost stratum is best left to the experts.

It never stops...

What I can say, however, is that I spend an awful lot of time dealing with laundry - mostly other people’s. As a result, I see things - things I can’t fathom, and things I can’t unsee.

This doesn’t make me special. There isn’t a parent out there who hasn’t marvelled at how creatively filthy their offspring can get themselves, even during the most benign of tasks.

The most obvious danger zone is of course the dinner table. It doesn’t matter how well you’ve drilled your child in table manners before they start reception; within one week of school they’re kneeling on the table and eating soup with their fingers. If you've ever stepped foot in a school dining hall, you'll understand exactly why your children never fail to come home looking like Jackson Pollock’s compost bin.

Then of course there’s the art lessons. Not to boast or anything, but my kids really know how to put the pain into painting. For years, my eldest refused to entertain the idea of whitespace, and instead approached the canvas as a drunken ship dabber might a barge. At night. Without glasses. So well did he gloop up the sugar paper that it was still wet when it came out the kiln. Against such robust artistic expression, aprons and old shirts provide little protection.

As for the genius who had the bright idea to give marker pens to infants in white shirts, if you’re reading this, we need to talk.

I’d go on, but the number of ways kids can filth themselves up grows by the day. This is a fact universally acknowledged, of course, not just by parents but thankfully also detergent manufacturers.

Indeed, it was with this in mind that the kind folks at ACE recently asked a whole bunch of parents to road-test their wares, specifically their ACE Stain Remover spray and ACE for Colours gentle stain remover liquid, to demonstrate how well they tackle stains and grease and keep colours bright and fresh.

I’ve got to level with you here: in the two weeks between receiving my ACE products and publishing this post, my offspring - despite their perpetual grime - somehow managed to stain nothing so badly that it needed pretreatment, so I can’t yet comment on the efficacy of the stain remover spray. However, in case you’re unable to read between the lines here, that translates to a vote of confidence for the stain remover liquid - I’ve successfully purged their uniforms of multiple varieties of food grease, as well as chocolate cake, tomato sauce and glue, not to mention various other stains of unknown origin.

The Eight Deadly Stains that ACE promises to sort

This is great because when my lads eat in their shirt sleeves, I invariably end up tackling the tomato sauce stains with a combination of washing powder and sun-bleaching. That’s fine in June, but at this time of year, not so good.

Victory!

I've also dealt effectively with more bed-wetting than I care to recall and spruced up some shorts I found that were still coated with ground-in muck from several months back.

What's also great is that ACE promises to look after my colours - something that's really important when both my children are wearing dark trousers and navy sweaters on a daily basis.

All I need now is something that will stop my eldest son from insisting on three outfit changes per day. If ACE can do something about this, then the laundry really will be the least of my worries!

This post is an entry for the BritMums #ACEforSchool Challenge, sponsored by ACE. Get help for all kinds of stains with the ACE Stain Helper. http://www.acecleanuk.co.uk/ or to buy head to your local Tesco’s, Morrison’s, Waitrose or Sainsbury’s.

The Great Oreo Cookie Quest

In case you missed it, Oreo is currently running a massive promotion as part of The Great #OreoCookieQuest - a campaign to celebrate special family moments.

The on-pack promotion will see a whole load of earphones and wireless speakers given away, not to mention a trip to San Francisco for four people (for more on this, check out Di Coke’s post).

I was planning to introduce my lads to Oreos as part of a fun day out; The Beast from the East, however, had other ideas, and effectively snowed us in for the best part of a week.

After three consecutive snow days, the children were getting fractious and clearly needed an injection of joy.

Now, anyone who knows me will confirm that I’m downright tight when it comes to letting my kids have sweets or biscuits between meals. Nevertheless, there are clearly occasions when a small but fun treat is in order. Being held hostage by an arctic tempest is one such occasion.

In such situations, I can understand why some people use biscuits as a form of currency, or possibly ransom payment, in the hope of buying a few minutes peace and quiet. My view, however, is that if you have leverage, it’s best to hold on to it for as long as possible.

To this end, I dangle cookies like the proverbial carrot while I create a learning opportunity for my captive audience. I call it a learning opportunity, but really it’s just me seeing how long I can talk about biscuits before my own willpower gives out and I have to open the packet.

And so, in lieu of a physical expedition, I took my family on a Great Oreo Cookie Quest for knowledge.

The lesson is brief, and comprises the following key facts:

• Oreos are an American institution, having been made in the country for over a century; and
• the traditional way to consume them is to first dunk them in milk.

There’s also the matter of a fun little story about Oreos, which dates back to 2013.

This was the year when another American institution - the Super Bowl - had a hiccup. As hiccups go, this one was a doozy: the lights went out.

This wasn’t major news in the UK; in America, however, where almost nothing gets higher viewing figures, this was a massive deal. The power outage lasted a good half-hour, during which time Oreo’s marketing team seized the opportunity to tweet a cheeky little message: you can still dunk in the dark.

That opportunist tweet got over 15,000 retweets and is still celebrated in marketing circles as one of the best guerrilla marketing plays of recent years.

And it got me thinking in a similarly opportunistic manner - if the perfect serving size for Oreos is two per person, and there are four people in this house, one little snack can probably buy me a whole hour of family joy. And so, a new game was born: the amazing game of DUNK IN THE DARK!

You can probably guess how the game dynamics work, but I’ve made a little video of my son playing, just in case.

It’s worth noting that when it comes to eating biscuits, children have remarkable muscle memory. To this end, I strongly recommend moving the metaphorical goal posts between dunks!

As you can see, this hastily improvised diversion was extremely well received by the little people - and happy little people means happy parents!

Do you know any other ways to turn a tiny snack into quality family time - let me know in the comments below...

This post is an entry for BritMums #OreoCookieQuest, sponsored by Oreo

Faces for Florida

Fingers are crossed but I fear we need more tweed! #FacesForFlorida

WIN! Sweets & Fun!

Heads up compers - it’s time to celebrate the 60th birthday of the famous chew on a stick - the one and only Drumstick!

It’s a landmark birthday for the classic confectionery, and Swizzels Matlow is marking the occasion with a brilliant “bucket list” competition, where there are 60 possible ways to enter - each requiring a photograph of your Drumstick lolly.

Some are easy (such as being frozen or watching the sunset) while some require serious effort - or at least, creative thinking (such as taking your lolly to Vegas or the Northern Lights).

There are three tiers of prizes:

• five experience day prizes (value £500), to be awarded to the top five photos/videos entered into the competition, in any category.
• 60 commemorative certificates and goodie bags to be awarded to the best photo/video in each category; and
• spot prizes awarded to entries throughout the duration of the competition.

For more information, see the Drumstick homepage.

The closing date is midnight, Tuesday 31st October, so there’s plenty of time to go grab that lolly!
Be lucky!

Building a Car for the #NoddyChallenge

Kids love boxes. Everyone knows that. Less well known is why. Research from the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital has the answer: it’s because womb lining actually feels like cardboard.

That's right - playing in boxes makes children feel safe; it takes them to a blissful, happy state - a world without sibling rivalry, where food is on tap and they don’t have to wash their hands before dinner.

Don’t believe me? Google it. Well, actually, don’t - it’s utter hogwash. Kids love playing in boxes simply because they can let their creativity run riot!

My lads amply demonstrated this last Friday when I'd barely finished unpacking a fresh delivery of mundane adult stuff (new towels - whoop!) when they snatched the box to make some vehicle or other, or possibly a pterodactyl.

The next day it rained. In my house, that's a Grade A Emergency. Why? Because it makes the children exponentially harder to vent. [This may not be the universally accepted term, but given the strange banging and gurgling noises my offspring produce when kettled, the semblance to boilers really is uncanny.]

But I digress: indoor pursuits were needed, and since the towel box was to hand (or more precisely, underfoot), a solution presented itself.

We were going to make a car.

Not any old car, you understand, but an awesome car. And who has the most awesome car? Noddy, of course!

Now, you all know Noddy - he’s been around since 1949, making such characters as Dennis the Menace and even Spider-Man look like utter Johnny-come-Latelys (Johnny-come-Latelys who can’t even drive, at that).

What's more, he's been the subject of two dozen books by the irrepressible Enid Blyton, and no fewer than nine TV series, the most recent of which reimagines him as a Toyland detective who explores mysteries while encouraging young viewers to explore their own world and make discoveries.

And with this in mind, today we were going to explore paint.

Our first discovery was that the boys' stockpile of paint was much smaller than I recalled, so we had to raid the tester pots I’d been hoarding under the stairs.

First-born attends to the ironmongery

The second discovery was that children really shouldn’t be trusted with emulsion.

Next, the steering wheel and headlamps

Still, with brushes, scissors and a can-do attitude, the boys focused themselves on the task in hand.

The finished product

And as their how-to video shows, they succeeded in turning the drab old box into this awesome replica of Toytown’s most iconic vehicle.

Never have I seen the older one so determined to make something - much less something of this magnitude. Suddenly, I'm not so scared of rain!


This is my entry into the #NoddyChallenge Blogger Competition hosted by Tots100 in association with The Book People.

WIN! £2,000 + gaming notebook + drone

KISS is celebrating the imminent release of Spider-Man: Homecoming by running an amazing competition for vloggers. The prize - as you can see from the headline - is pretty tasty. As for the gig, well that sounds fun too:

Send us a link to a video which you’ve made which you think is awesome - it can be about anything you like ... music, film, fashion, dancing etc, you decide!

Sadly, my video skills are pretty limited. Even if that weren’t the case, my main pursuit outside of comping is photographing drains - a pastime yet to grasp the public’s imagination.

I’m not saying I won’t enter, but if I do, it’ll be purely for the fun of the challenge. That and raising the profile of one the more esoteric hobbies out there.

The first finalist will be chosen (and contacted) on Friday 23 June and the second on Monday 26 June.

For more information, check the KISS site.

Or just watch the trailer for the movie - because it does look awesome!

WIN! NOW TV Sky Sports day pass

Want to watch the big game but don't want to pay? Read on!

You may recall that I've recently been playing Snatch. Well, to cut a long story short, as one of the in-game prizes, I won a Sky Sports day pass. I won't be needing it, however, so I figured I might as well see if any of you guys wanted it.

To this end, I'm running a quick blink-and-you-miss-it giveaway with the aid of the Gleam widget to make sure everything stays above board.

The pass comes in the form of a voucher code which must be redeemed by the end of this month. In other words, please don’t enter this draw unless you’re in a position to redeem it right away. (You don’t have to use it right away, just add the code to your Now TV account and activate it when you’re ready).

Don't be put off if you don't have a Now TV box - you can also watch via smart TV or laptop/tablet.

Get your entries in by the close of Friday 26 May ... Good luck!

NOW TV Sky Sports pass giveaway
Terms and conditions
1) The prize is a NOW TV Sky Sports day pass There is no cash alternative.
2) The closing date for entries is 23.59 26 May 2017. No further entries will be accepted after this point. You can still comment if you like, but there has to be a line in the sand.
3) The giveaway is restricted to UK residents only, excluding my family.
4) The winner will be automatically selected via the Gleam app.
5) The winner has two days to claim their prize. If the prize hasn’t been claimed in this period, I will redraw.
6) I will announce the winner on this blog post and on Twitter within seven days of the winner claiming their prize.
7) This promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with, Twitter, Blogger or any other social network; neither is it endorsed by Sky or Now TV.
8) I will not use your information to sell you encyclopaedias, or to get anyone else to sell you encyclopaedias.
9) I reserve the right to cancel or amend the competition and these terms and conditions without notice in the event of a catastrophe, war, civil or military disturbance, act of God or any actual or anticipated breach of any applicable law or regulation or any other event outside of my control. Yes, that does include zombie apocalypse. Any further clarification of terms will be clearly added to this blog post.
10) Entry into the competition will be deemed as acceptance of these terms and conditions.
11) I think that’s it, but if I have forgotten anything fundamental that might void this endeavour, please let me know.

Win! LEGO Batman Movie prizes

Lego is cool, Batman is cool, and Lego Batman is cool squared. Throw in a competition too and, well, that’s where my cool maths conks out, but trust me, it's cooler than an Ice Age pavlova.

Can’t imagine that much cool? Allow me to elaborate.

This competition is being run by Blocks magazine. The prizes are awesome sets from the Lego Batman movie: first place wins 70909 Batcave Break-in, second place wins 70908 The Scuttler and third place wins 70904 Clayface Splat Attack. On top of that, all three winners get a copy of Blocks No. 28 signed by the movie’s director, Chris McKay and producer, Dan Lin.

What’s the brief? Convert a regular Lego model into Batman Lego model.

Here’s one example from Block’s Mod Squad - the (formerly yellow) Batsubmarine.

I wish I was entering this, but sadly I lack the materials. Should you, however, have an abundance of black (or very, very dark grey) bricks, I suggest you get cracking!

The competition closes midnight 27 February. For more information, check out the post on Brick Fanatics.

Good luck!

Win! A night in London

Just before Christmas, I had my biggest win of the year:  an Instax camera and £300 Virgin Experience Days voucher. The camera alone would have been a great prize, but the voucher … well, the voucher got me really excited, because I knew from the off what I wanted - what I needed - a spa break.

I’m a relatively recent convert to the spa experience, but my word have I found them life-changing … To be honest, if it meant I could escape the incessant din of my children, I’d be happy just sitting in a tepid bath for two days. At least I’d be able to hear my own thoughts again. But a spa break - a spa break for two, no less - a spa break for two with massage, dinner, bed and breakfast - not to mention all you can eat jacuzzi time, well, what’s not to love?

I recognise, of course, that once back in my own home, the warm glow of relaxation will recede at a frightening rate of knots, but it’s reassuring to know that my body does still have the capacity to unwind.

The competition itself was simple: share your favourite photo memory of 2016, and Virgin Experience Days would pick a winner. Given the awesomeness of the prize, surprisingly few people entered - maybe 200 or so - so I can only guess folks were distracted by the advent comps.

I had no idea what the promoter was looking for, so I just submitted a snap taken when we went for a family walk in the countryside. It was a beautiful - if cold - day, but I think our youngest found it all a bit much.

But that’s all by and by. Virgin Experience Days is running another competition, this time to win a night away in London, packed with activities. All you need to do is tell them the funniest situation you’ve got into with your other half - before 9AM, 13th February.

I’ve been scratching my head for a story but have so far drawn a blank - I hope you have better luck!

Win! Goodies from the Tooth Fairy

The tooth fairy came back this week, but this time her visit was unscheduled. No money changed hands, for there were no body parts under the pillow. Rather, the Tooth Fairy was making a special delivery.

This extraordinary visit followed the extraordinary circulation enjoyed by the letter my son received from the tooth fairy just a couple of weeks prior.

When the early-years toothcare specialists Brush-Baby got wind of my son’s failure to supply the Tooth Fairy with a perfect specimen, they sent him and his younger brother a brand-new electric toothbrush each, as well as two tubes of toothpaste: spearmint and tutti-frutti.

I confess, the whole concept of sweet toothpaste makes me twitch. But that can be explained by a lifetime of indoctrination: cars should be pine fresh, household cleaner should be lemon fresh, and toothpaste should be minty fresh. My desire to use sweet toothpaste is about as strong as my desire to use bacon toothpaste. But that’s not to say it’s wrong (well, bacon toothpaste is wrong, I stand by that) - if it motivates kids to clean their teeth properly, then it’s simply a gateway to better oral hygiene.

But did the children enjoy it? Oh yes - in fact, my youngest cried when I wouldn’t brush his teeth for a third time. (Cruel parenting is a forte - thank you.)

If you’d like to see how well the brush and toothpaste were received (as well as the Tooth Fairy's most recent correspondence), my son's reportage will explain more.

Now, as if Brush-Baby hadn't been kind enough already, those all-round good eggs have also offered to give one of my friends an age-appropriate oral hygiene pack for their own littlun. So whether you have a gummy little bairn or a gap-toothed schoolgoer, this is a great starter pack for encouraging best practice in oral hygiene and ensuring Sparkly Pegs receives a steady stream of pristine ivories.

The Brush-Baby range (pictured) is divided into three stages: Baby (0-3 years), Toddler (3-6 years) and Child (6+ years)
The winner may select which starter pack they would like to receive; contents will vary

All you need to do is enter via the Gleam widget below.

The closing date for entries is 26 February 2017. More T&C below!

Brush-Baby Giveaway

Terms and conditions
1) The prize is an age-appropriate early-years toothcare pack from Brush-Baby. The winner may choose either Baby (0-3 years), Toddler (3-6 years) or Child (6+ years). There is no cash alternative.
2) The closing date for entries is 23.59 26 February 2017. No further entries will be accepted after this point. You can still comment if you like, but there has to be a line in the sand.
3) The giveaway is restricted to UK residents only, excluding my family and employees of Brush-Baby.
4) The winner will be automatically selected via the Gleam app.
5) The winner has seven days to claim their prize. If the prize hasn’t been claimed in this period, I will redraw.
6) I will announce the winner on this blog post and on Twitter within seven days of the winner claiming their prize.
7) Brush-Baby is responsible for supplying the prize.
8) This promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with, Twitter, Blogger or any other social network.
9) I will not use your information to sell you encyclopaedias, or to get anyone else to sell you encyclopaedias.
10) I reserve the right to cancel or amend the competition and these terms and conditions without notice in the event of a catastrophe, war, civil or military disturbance, act of God or any actual or anticipated breach of any applicable law or regulation or any other event outside of my control. Yes, that does include zombie apocalypse. Any further clarification of terms will be clearly added to this blog post.
11) Entry into the competition will be deemed as acceptance of these terms and conditions.

12) I think that’s it, but if I have forgotten anything fundamental that might void this endeavour, please let me know.

Disclaimer: I received the Brush-Baby products in exchange for writing this post.

Thanks for hosting on your linky Di Coke & Loquax!
Thanks also to Prize Finder and Competition Database for listing!

Win flights to Malta!

Just a quick post today, to let you know that Air Malta are giving away two business class return tickets to/from Malta in their "Blog.Win. Fly." competition

All you need to do is publish a story about Malta on your personal blog - it might be an insider tip, an experience, a to-do list, even a recipe.

To get you in the mood, I’ve put together a retro slideshow with some of the photos from my childhood holidays in Malta.

Enjoy!

My Christmas list

God rest ye merry gentlemen? I should coco! The month is upon us, the geese are getting fat, and I've got three weeks to get this house festive, finalise the gifting, and make sure I don't repeat any of my usual seasonal foul-ups!

My chief failing always boils down to the labelling of parcels. Apparently, it’s not the done thing to scrawl names on wrapping paper with marker pen. Who knew?

This year will be different - I’m going for dogtags (as in tags shaped like dogs rather than the necklaces of retired marines) - how cute are these little fellas from Debenhams?!

Scotty dog gift tags

And since I’m in Debenhams, I’m going to grab a few more things to spruce up the house.

First, the wreath. I won’t take sole responsibility for this, but in twenty years of living together, we’ve always failed to sort this most elementary of decorations: the piece that says 'Hello!' and 'Welcome to our festive home!'. So far, so grinchy. Thankfully, this charming red number is perfect for two reasons: (1) it’s my wife’s favourite colour and (2) our front door was glossed black just a couple of months ago, so it’ll look smart as a button.

Red berry wreath

Next, bunting. Everyone loves bunting. Actually, that’s not strictly true: there’s a short register of sociopaths with something against it, but mercifully they’re all locked up (as Dostoevsky said: "The degree of a society's civilisation can be judged by observing its prisoners") - but I digress. Bunting is key to any festival - except for Christmas, it would seem, when it becomes "garland". But as the song says: you say tomato, I say royale with cheese.

Let it snow seasonal garland

There's also the matter of the annual Christmas decoration I buy my mum - a tradition that started when I finally moved out of the family home, some twenty-odd years ago. This beautifully embroidered guardsman decoration is handmade with velvet and gold metal threadwork, with sales benefiting the work of Help for Heroes, meaning that it looks good and does good. 

Help for Heroes tree decoration

The final item, I confess, we don’t actually need - not least because there isn’t a square inch of space left on our Christmas dinner table to host it. But HOLY FLAMING ANTLERS! You will not see a better candelabra this year. I know - I've Googled.

Silver stag candelabra

So there’s the preparations sorted, but what about the giftlist?

Well, the most important question is how far the family should be indulged. As this clip shows, opinions tend to differ.

Now, let’s just say that I did want to indulge the boys - and that I had the budget to do so - I’d sort something for my youngest first, quite simply because he's the easiest to buy for.

There’s a saying: Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. In which case, be Batman.

That, in essence, is my boy's philosophy. I can't describe how much he loves Batman (the tantrums when his Batman tee-shirts aren't clean, however, I can detail to a forensic level). In fact, he's not content to spend his waking hours being Batman, he sleeps him too. 

What he lacks, though, is the wheels. So what I’m about to show you, you must never tell him about, as there's really nowhere I can put it, but were he to learn of its existence, I’d never hear the end of it. In short, check out the 6v electric Batmobile.

The electric Batmobile! 

My first-born meanwhile, is a more complex creature. I'd go as far as to say deviant. I don't mean "a deviant" - just deviant, as in he simply doesn't function like other children. Example: most kids are happy to get a sticker from their dentist - mine demands a surgeon’s mask and latex gloves.

I just can't predict what he will engage with. For example, I gave him a scooter for his third birthday (everyone loves scooters, right?!) - he left it in the shed for two years.  

Fortunately, he's now old enough to write a Christmas list ...

... Perhaps next year he might even write a legible one!

Having discussed his wishlist with him, one thing is clear: what he really wants is decorator’s overalls. Seriously! In a world where you can be Batman, he wants to be a decorator. Sure, there's less chance of long-term injury and it’s probably easier to hold down a relationship, but still.

I’ve looked into this, and you know what? They don’t make decorator’s overalls for six-year-olds. Fortunately, we’ve negotiated a compromise. You can - thanks to the popularity of Super Mario - buy a plumber’s outfit.

For the purpose of clarity, he doesn't want a Super Mario costume per se - indeed, I don't think he's even heard of Super Mario. He just wants overalls so he can pretend to be Colin, the chap that painted our kitchen. And since there isn’t much demand for Colin costumes, I’m looking at this ensemble right here.

Plumber's costume

The moustache won’t last a day, but that’s fine - Colin is very clean shaven.

My next purchase is an easy one - but only because I asked my wife what she wanted. She said she wanted to look less tired.

Crucially, she didn’t say that she wanted to be less tired, for that would be nigh impossible. Even if we went on holiday we’d have to take the children, so we’d still have to wake up ridiculously early in order for them to meet their self-imposed quota of mindless yelling and pointless arguments with us.

In short then, my wife wants something to paper over the cracks. In other words, make-up.

I confess this isn't my area of expertise. However, I do know that she swears by Benefit Lemon Aid. By all accounts, it gives the illusion of having had an additional 35 minutes of sleep, which is sorcery by any other name.

Lemon Aid

That just leaves yours truly. If I'm honest, however, I haven't had time to think about me.  All that springs to mind is the Christmas list my father would wheel out every year. I used to think he was being obtuse, but in hindsight he simply had no desire to waste his wishes on winter woollies.

So, like my father before me, I'm going to wish for two things: peace on earth and goodwill to all men!

Have a great Christmas!

This is my entry for the Debenhams “Win Your Wishlist” Blogger Competition.
Links to all items can be found beneath the product images.

The Tube

In case you missed it, Safestore is running a ​Spooktacular Writing Competition for Halloween. The prize is a £50 Waterstones voucher. I've not done any creative writing for a while, so thought the practice would do me good. This is my entry - hope you like it!

Oh, hi there … yes, my wife has just kicked me out so I need to rent somewhere to put my gear till I can get a new place sorted.’

‘An hour it took us. From Sheffield till it spits you out at Farringdon. I’ll be damned if there’s a faster way to get here. But you’d not do it twice.’

‘Erm, sorry old boy? Perhaps you misheard me? I just need to rent a unit, perhaps 25 square feet...’

‘The unholy stench at the end is the least of it. That washes away after a week or so. The bruises, they heal too. The acid burns? Well, the scabs last months and the scars they stay. Everyone knows if you came by tube. You can’t hide the scars.’

‘You’re having a laugh aren’t you? I see that cheeky glint in your eye…’

‘I miss my wife, my lads, course I do. But they’re richer without me. I can’t provide owt. What do I know about cutlery? That’s why they put us in the tube - poaching albatross.’

‘Sorry, could you brush some of that beard out of your mouth, only I thought you said albatross?’

‘And heaven help those what test the watch. Contempt of deportation they call it. And if you’re in it, you get yourself deported some more - but this time with your kin. And there ain’t no child has ever come through that passage alive.’

‘Can we wind this up, only I’m late for my bassoon class…’

‘I was lucky to make it through as I did. I say lucky, but it’s the worst what makes it through. The bad - they’re bitter - too bitter to keep down. That’s why they’re dumped out here, in this sewer of sin.’

‘Hold on a minute - that's not you on your lanyard - it's a sticker of a albatross, isn't it?!’

‘The gamblers, they don’t move on. They prey on those what’s still wet behind the ears - and failing that, one another. The robbers, they congregate out west with the swindlers and schemers. The murderers, they go wherever they want. Who’d stop 'em?

Some are big enough to do it again. Not me - no one, no thing’s gonna swallow me again. Look at this skin - I’m nigh-consumed already. I’d never make it past the tongues. The untold tongues, flailing around for something to latch onto or lacerate. Tongues as big as circus vipers, flaying you softly, like a cat’s tongue through butter. I’d come through all right, but not in one piece. Not with those teeth. No bigger than yours or mine, I’d say - but every one as sharp as needles. Have you ever been dragged over a bed of nails and dropped in a cauldron of scalding vinegar? Because that’s what the next chamber feels like. The good, they die there. Fertiliser for this blessed plot.

For the rest, our breath is nigh snuffed as we’re pounded and harried through that eternally dark, oppressively putrid tunnel, until ultimately we pass through the sphincter of John Bull, usually more dead than alive.

Aye, that’s the tube. Setting forth from all over and terminating only in death or damnation.’

‘I'll come back later.’

Worst. Competition. Ever.

There's a sad minority of promoters that hate compers and won’t stand for them entering their giveaways. I've even seen some cheerfully slander the whole community with the same tar-brush, accusing them of entering any old comp for any old tat. I say, screw that, I really needed that toothpick.

OK, so that last bit's a porkie - I've never tried to win any quantity of toothpicks - but I will admit that when I first started comping, I followed the common rookie path of favouring competition quantity over competition quality. Naturally, it wasn't long before the prizes didn't start rolling in and I decided to change tack.

But comping for any old tat? Don't be daft. Obviously, some promotions are more exciting than others - we'd all rather win an iPad than a pint glass - but if it's neither use nor ornament, why waste time trying to win it?

Perhaps the accusation is directed at folks who enter a lot of low-value comps. Well, my dad always said never to judge a man till you've walked a mile in his moccasins. (Or was it was Michael Jackson? I always get them muddled...) In any case, the argument still stands. I offer myself as a case in point. I don't have depression per se, but in winter especially I do suffer some stinking long funks. The rush of endorphins associated with winning sometimes does more for me than the prize itself. In other words, prizewinning is a crutch for mental health; that it happens to come with a souvenir is a fantastic bonus.

I've also had enough addiction issues to recognise compulsive behaviour on my own part, so I will come clean: I had no immediate need of the Popeye hat I won last year, but given the 50/50 odds, I couldn't resist the punt. In short, I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

Confession, they say, is the road to healing, so I hope you won't judge me too harshly. Cast the first stone in the comments below, if you must. However, I suspect I'm not the only person who has, at some point in their life, entered a giveaway more for the hit than the prize - after all, who doesn't want to be a winner? In the name of group therapy then, might I suggest a session of competitive confession?

In return, I offer you what I hope will be the most amazingly mediocre prize that you have ever contemplated: 20 drains* from around the fine city of Norwich. A perfect gift for any drainspotter! Oh, and more importantly, the warm glow of being a winner too.

One of the drains included in this prize ... I call it "Gotham"

(For the purpose of clarity, that's 20 photographs, taken by me, of different drains in walking distance of my house.)

But what do I have to do to get my hands on this unique collection, you ask?

I'm not going to ask you to jump through 43 Rafflecopter hoops. In fact, you're under no obligation to return to this blog, EVER (sure, I'd love to see you again, but you're busy people and I respect that).

All I ask is that you leave a comment below, telling me the most underwhelming thing you've ever won or tried to win (apart from a load of drains).

I'll contact the winner via Twitter, so please leave your Twitter handle as well. If you're up for the sport but really don't want the pictures, then you're welcome to comment and not leave your handle - I'd love to hear from you anyway.

The closing date for entries is 23.59 30th June 2016.

One of the drains included in this prize ... This one is "Mothership"

Terms and conditions
1) The prize is 20 photographs of various drains located in the city of Norwich. The photographs are in jpg format and can be supplied zipped or unzipped. Images are individually available elsewhere, if you know where to look for them. There is no cash alternative.
2) The closing date for entries is 23.59 30th June 2016. No further entries will be accepted after this point. You can still comment if you like, but there has to be a line in the sand.
3) Each entrant's name will be written on separate pieces of paper and buttered. The winner will be the first name to be licked by my cat. Either that or I'll use a random number generator - whichever proves more practical.
4) I will announce the winner on this blog and on Twitter.
5) The winner has seven days to claim their prize. If the prize hasn’t been claimed in this period, I will redraw. If you think I'm going to butter any more paper, however, you've got another thing coming.
6) The winner will receive their images via e-mail and the bragging rights via mental projection.
7) Entry into the competition will be deemed as acceptance of these terms and conditions.
8) I will not use your information to sell you encyclopaedias, or to get anyone else to sell you encyclopaedias.
9) This promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with, Twitter, Blogger or any other social network. Neither is it sponsored, endorsed or administered by Pukka Pie.
10) I reserve the right to cancel or amend the competition and these terms and conditions without notice in the event of a catastrophe, war, civil or military disturbance, act of God or any actual or anticipated breach of any applicable law or regulation or any other event outside of my control. Yes, that does include zombie apocalypse. Any changes to the competition will be clearly added to this blog post.
11) I think that’s it, but if I have forgotten anything fundamental that might void this endeavour, please let me know.

*not manhole covers

Visit Dubai?

Dubai. Why would I want to go to Dubai? I’m a dad. Not a footballer or movie star. Just a bog standard, in-over-my-head dad. Father of a six-year-old with verbal diarrhoea and a two-year-old with, well, that’s enough about nappies. My point is, why would I even contemplate Dubai? It’s just for rich big kids, right?

Hold that thought. Now screw it up in a ball and bury it with all your other compostable waste, because, as my eldest boy would say, it’s poppycock. Sure, it’s for big kids. But it’s also for little kids.

Heck, it’d even wipe the scowl off the most miserable of teenage kids too.

Finished harrumphing? Good, because now I’m going to show you why, and I’m going to start by pulling out the big guns. Or more precisely, the big jets. The water jets. The 140-metre high jets. You want a point of reference - that’s the height of a 45-storey building!

To give it its dues, it’s the world's largest choreographed fountain system - the big brother to the Fountains of Bellagio in Las Vegas, which were designed by the same company.

Set in Burj Lake, right outside the Dubai Mall in the heart of Downtown Dubai, the Dubai Fountain performs daily, with a performance repertoire of approximately 35 songs. The beam of light shining upward from the fountain can be seen from over 20 miles away, and is even visible from space, making it the brightest spot in the Middle East, and quite possibly in the entire world.

Small wonder it’s the city’s most popular free tourist attraction!

Another incredible showpiece at the Dubai Mall is the Dubai Aquarium and Underwater Zoo, which is home to more than 33,000 living animals. Walking through the 270-degree acrylic walkthrough tunnel, children can enjoy amazing close-encounter experiences with fascinating underwater creatures, while the rainforest, rocky shore and living ocean environments offer the chance to get up close with piranhas, giant catfish, playful otters, Humbolt penguins and more. 

The star of the zoo, however, has to be King Croc. This massive saltwater crocodile weighs in at 750 kg (more than 14 big men, apparently) and is over 5 m in length (that’s about six shopping trolleys, fact lovers!). With a bite force of over 3,700 psi, I can only imagine how ugly his mealtimes get.

If that only whets your appetite, the aquarium sells a number of add-on aquatic experiences, including a shark dive and cage snorkelling; but equally, if you’re on a budget, you can view plenty from outside.

No trip to Dubai would be complete without a few hours on the super clean white sands of Kite Beach. I'd definitely catch some rays while watching the kite surfing. And if I needed some time away from the boys, I'd hire a kayak and get myself out on the water quick sharp.

There are showers, toilets and changing facilities, great views of the Burj Al Arab, and enough paddling opportunities to keep the little ones occupied for hours. I’m pretty sure you can get ice cream too...

I don’t know how may days I could spend doing beach and nothing but beach - my lads have never sat still long enough for me to find out. That’s why Dubai Atlantis Aquaventure Water Park would be high on my to-do list. Why? For starters, there’s the world's largest water slide, the mile-long river ride and the wave machine that can create tidal swells over a metre high. Then there’s the shark safari (special helmets supplied!) and the nine-storey mega-slide that will slam you down its near-vertical drop in (give or take) one second, before speeding you through a clear acrylic tube surrounded by sharks and rays. I won’t say anything about Poseidon’s Revenge, as frankly it scares me. And finally, it’s free if it’s your birthday!

So, now you know how I'd spend a few days in Dubai with my family. But how would you spend your time if you you were lucky enough to go there? Would you visit the Burj Khalifa and see what the world looks like half a kilometre above ground level, go dune bashing on a desert safari or cool yourself down at ski camp?! Let me know in the comment section below! If you need a little inspiration, check out the Visit Dubai website. 

This post is an entry in to the Tots100/Dubai Dreams blogger challenge. The prize is a family trip to Dubai courtesy of Dubai Tourism. Sound interesting? Get over to the Tots100 website and have a look! If you aren’t the lucky winner, don’t worry – because Tots100 and Dubai Tourism are giving away a SECOND family holiday to Dubai! Once the blogger challenge winner has been selected, Dubai Tourism will be selecting the best reader comment on the winning challenge blog post – and the author will win their own family break to Dubai! Good luck!